11 Secrets to Success for the Single Life

One of my dear friends, Claire Roth, recently introduced me as an expert in waiting on God for a husband. I must say the introduction took me by surprise a bit as I’d never really thought of myself in that light. But after meeting with the young lady I was introduced to in this manner and sharing revelations, insights, and secrets for living the single life with contentment, I realized God has taught me a lot on this topic - especially in the last decade.  And it’s time to share the good news with other fellow singles. We need each other to stay encouraged…and I hope that by me sharing the insights I’ve gained on my path toward contentment gives many others the freedom to enjoy life to the full more quickly.

God has been speaking to me a lot in the last year through John 10:10. It says this, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” I find it such an encouragement that Jesus came to give us abundant life. That means a life full of joy, freedom, love, peace, contentment, etc. The list goes on and on. At age 30 I’m finally grasping the abundant life daily. There is always more of God’s goodness to experience…and I say, “sign me up for that!” There’s also the undeniable fact that Satan – the ultimate thief – is constantly at work to steal our joy and deceive us. So how can we have victory in living the single life and experience the fullness of life Jesus paid for on the cross? Good question. I have a few secrets that have proven true in my own life that I’d love to share with you.

1. Forgive anyone from the opposite gender who has hurt you, and get rid of any bitterness you've been holding onto. Unforgiveness invites discontentment into our lives. And once bitterness takes root, we become miserable and make everyone else around us miserable. Bitterness strangles life. Resentment keeps you locked up. A big lie the enemy tries to feed us is that by not forgiving we’re punishing the person that has hurt us. The truth is we’re actually punishing ourselves. It’s as if we’ve locked ourselves in a prison and thrown away the key. Save yourself the misery by obeying God’s Word and forgiving others quickly. There’s so much freedom to experience in forgiveness! What if you don’t feel like forgiving? My experience is that once I obey God – the feelings follow.
2. If you’re idolizing your desire to have a mate – put an end to it! How do you know if you’re idolizing being with someone? Ask yourself what consumes your thoughts. If you think about being with someone more than you think about Jesus – you’re probably guilty of making a potential mate your idol. A great scripture verse I pray all the time to keep my heart pure and free from idolatry is Psalm 139:22-23. It says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”  That’s a great verse to pray all the time to make sure our hearts are aligned with God’s regarding any pitfall we have tendencies toward. Start getting out of the pit of idolatry by first repenting and then asking God to captivate your heart. There’s no greater or sweeter romance than with Jesus.  He even comes for us on a white horse! (See Revelation 19: 11-21)
3. Release control of your love story and invite God to write it. Dr. Mitch Kruse, a man I highly respect and one who is filled with great wisdom once said to me, “For every no, God has a better yes.” It’s so true. I've seen it played out in my life in many different situations. I encourage you to trust God beyond the small picture you currently see. And when it’s difficult to do so, recount how He’s been faithful and remind yourself that Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever (Hebrews 13:8). That means He will continue to be faithful! And if you can’t remember His faithfulness, ask a friend to help you recall how God has been faithful in your life. Sometimes we need a friend to help us remember.
4. Keep the hope alive – don’t bury your dreams – but don’t settle for less either. It’s ok to desire someone to share your life with. If you've passed that magical age you thought you’d be married by, don’t give up hope. Often times our idea of timing is different than God’s. But I guarantee His timing is always better than ours because He can see the big picture while we only have a limited perspective. Go ahead, pour out your heart’s desires to God (He’s the one that placed Him there in the first place) and embrace all the emotions that come with that. Then ask God for grace to hold those desires loosely so that He can orchestrate your life and bring your desires about. Don’t give up and settle for less than God’s best for you. Remember, Jesus came to give us life to the FULL!
5. Know what season you’re in. This has been one of the most freeing keys to being content in my singleness and one I wished I would have known about a lot sooner. Ask God what season you’re in. Is this a season to be romanced only by God? To meet lots of different people of the opposite gender but not enter into a serious relationship? (If so, be sure to communicate this up front rather than leading anyone on to believe otherwise.) To enter into a serious relationship? To prepare for marriage? (This can happen while single or dating.) To fast from dating? Hopefully you get the picture. The seasons of single life are obviously not limited to the list above. My point is simply that there are many different seasons in the single life. And if you know what season you’re in, then you can focus solely on that and not waste your energy and time elsewhere. So if it’s a season to be romanced only by God, I don’t allow my thoughts to be consumed with if I’ll have a date this Friday night. One word of caution – seasons can change suddenly. So it’s always important to be in constant communication with God to make sure you’re on the same page. He’s trustworthy and will notify you if you keep your gaze on Him. I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to want formulas. God, however, often times doesn't operate with formulas. So one of the biggest lessons I had to learn in the process of knowing what season I’m in is that it’s OK to not have a time limit on any specific season. I once was in a season of fasting from dating. Figuratively speaking, I was hoping God would say to me that I would be entering that season on April 1 and exiting it on March 31. That didn't happen. Instead, I received instructions to check with Him should I be approached by a man for a date. God was teaching me to depend on Him, listen to Him, and be ready to change course when He said go. Often times, we want to contain God’s ways in a box. I’m here to tell you that it’s impossible to do so and things go a lot more smoothly when you keep the conversation going with God. Check with the Lord, align your heart with God’s heart, and go with what the Holy Spirit is breathing on. This is a sure way to have peace no matter what season you’re in.
6. Whatever season you’re in, use this time of singleness to let God define you – find out who you are in Him. I can’t think of many other gifts that are better than offering the gift of knowing yourself and what you have to offer others. What a meaningful and beautiful gift to give your spouse – a gift that keeps on giving! God made you uniquely you. No one else can fill your shoes. Discover what you like, what you don’t like, who you are, who you’re not, what gifts you have, what gifts you don’t have, etc. Ask God, “Who do you say I am?” There’s only one rule that I've adopted from Crystal Styles, a teacher I had at Bethel, and that is this: what you hear from God needs to surprise you with its goodness. Why? Because God is simply that good! We live in a world that constantly criticizes and soon we become our own worst critic. It’s time for that to change and for us to start believing we are who God says we are and then live it out!
7. Celebrate other’s love stories!  We’re all on unique journeys specifically tailored for each of us. Jealously sparks division, while celebration not only promotes unity, but invites breakthrough in our own lives. If you just aren't feeling like celebrating – that’s a good indicator that your breakthrough is just around the corner. Ask God to help you celebrate with your friends, choose to do so, and watch how God works to revive the hope and joy in your own life. Whatever you do, avoid the “if only” game. I’m talking about, “if I only I were Jane, I’d be married with three kids and having the time of my life.” “If only I dated Harry, I wouldn't be sitting at home along on a Friday night.” You get the picture. The pasture is always greener on the other side of the fence game just doesn't ring true. The truth is you’re always sifting through matters of the heart – whether you’re single, dating, or married. The truth is we all have God ordained appointments – and sometimes those are appointments are with Him alone. The truth is God brings beauty from ashes – in fact He specializes in that! So celebrate your friend’s love stories – your turn is coming and you’re going to want to have friends around to celebrate with you, right?
8. Capitalize on life as a single. Do now what you won’t be able to do as easily when you’re married. What brings you joy? Find out, make a list, and do it! Usually when we gain something, we give something up. I've watched many of my friends get married and go through a grieving process. That’s right, they grieved their single years. So don’t wish away your single years only to find that you never really lived them once you get married. That would require overtime in grieving. Not worth it. So go live up your dreams as a single!
9. Learn from your mistakes and choose differently next time. So a relationship didn't work out that you hoped would. That’s not rejection (remember you’re awesome!  - see Psalm 139 if you don’t believe me) – it’s just there’s a better yes for you. Instead of festering in self pity, thank God for that person and make a list of all that you learned about yourself and about dating through that relationship. Use these experiences to help you know more of what you’re looking for in a mate. Make notes, learn from those mistakes, and ask God for grace to choose differently next time. Joaquin Evans, another one of my teachers at Bethel, made a spectacular statement in his teaching one day. He said, what you focus on grows. It’s true when you think about it. Feed your flowers and the next thing you know, you have beautiful blossoms. Feed your weeds and the next thing you know they are strangling the beautiful flowers. But who feeds weeds? That’s just silly, right? Well, that’s what we’re doing when we entertain our worries and negative thoughts. How can we feed the flowers in our lives and gain beautiful blooms? Through thanksgiving. Focus on all that you’re thankful for including what you've gained from each relationship you’ve been in. It will transform your life – I promise! Go ahead, pull the weeds and watch the gorgeous flowers bloom!
10. Stay in community! Whatever you do – stay in community! Don’t isolate yourself because isolation only makes the enemy’s voice louder and makes you more susceptible to His stealthy attacks. We NEED God’s strength and the people He’s placed in our lives to stay encouraged and to be kept accountable so we don’t fall into the same pits we’ve been in previously.
11. Declare God’s promises over your life. I think it’s so fitting that I have 11 secrets to the successful single life and that I’m ending with this one. I honestly didn't know how many secrets I would have when I began this blog post. And I certainly didn't know I would end with this one. But check out Hebrews 11:11 “By faith Abraham, even though he was past age - and Sarah herself was barren - was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise.” Abraham kept the faith and believed God to be faithful to come through on His promise. I have prayed for my future husband whenever I see the clock strike 11:11 for years. And I've prayed for my friends future spouses as well at that same time. It’s just been a beautiful reminder to lift up these desires and believe God for the promises He has made regarding these desires. One of the many ways I stay encouraged is by reviewing the promises God has made over my life and considering Him faithful who has made those promises. Scripture is filled with promises – so if you don’t have any specific promises coming to mind for you right now, just ask the Holy Spirit to hi-light His promise to you through his Word…then stand on it, declare it, and watch God work! Go ahead, be bold, and ask Him for a promise related to your desire to be married. We serve a personal God who loves to speak to us. Listen to His heart for you my friend, and be surprised by His goodness! I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. (See Ephesians 1:18-19)